A woman went into a shoe shop and said, “I would like a pair of alligator shoes.” So, the male salesman said, “Yes, ma’am. What size is your alligator?” You are so funny. I say, it’s OK, but I didn’t think it was that funny. And you’re laughing yourselves silly. I like that. Good audience, good audience.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping together. You know Sherlock Holmes? He’s a detective. When they were going to sleep, Sherlock said, “Tell me what you can see when you are looking up.” Dr. Watson said, “Thousands of stars.” And Sherlock asked again, “And what is your conclusion from all this?” Dr. Watson started to think. “Hm, if I consider it from astronomical aspects,” he said, “I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From a psychological point of view, I conclude that we are so infinitely small in comparison with God’s overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What’s your opinion?” Sherlock Holmes said, “You are an idiot. Our tent has been stolen.” My God. He’s a detective, no? My God. Yeah, when you are camping, if you can see everything like that, then of course, you have no tent anymore. Excusez-moi (Excuse me). I need a drink. It’s OK, brother (cameraman). A drink is normal.
A tenant said to the landlord, “I’m sorry, I can’t pay the rent this month.” So, the landlord said, “But you said the same last month!” So, the tenant said, “I kept my word, didn’t I?” Very consistent.
A journalist asked the editor, “Mr. Editor, do you think I should put more ‘fire’ into my stories?” So, the editor said, “No, no, just the opposite.” (Put the stories into the fire.) Yeah, yeah. (Oh.) Garbage, he’s writing garbage. That’s why. We have good interpretation. Pretty cool, pretty cool. Who was laughing then? Is that the Choco?
A man put a coin into a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear. Sometimes no cup, (Oh, I see.) short of cups, then all the coffee will run down into the drain. So, one nozzle still sent coffee running down the drain while the other poured cream after it. Coffee and then (vegan) cream. So, the man shook his head and said, “My God, this is really real automation.” He exclaimed, “It even drinks it for you.” Coffee, (vegan) cream, sugar, and gone. When you have no cup, what else? It’s funny. It’s really fun.
An American, a Scottish, and a Canadian were killed in a car accident, sorry. They arrived at the Pearly gate. Saint Peter explained that there had been a mistake. “Give me $500 each,” he said, “and I will return you to Earth as if the whole thing never happened.” Why 500? Probably for the paperwork, right? Office expense. So, the American said, “Done.” And instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene. And the paramedic asked him, “Where are the others?” So, the American said, “Last I knew, the Scottish was haggling the price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay.” That was good. The Canadians know about it. In Canada, the government pays for everything.
Two men are digging a ditch on a very hot day, and then the first one said to the second, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?” So, the second guy said, “I don’t know. I’ll ask him.” So, he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss, “Why are we digging in the hot sun, and you’re standing in the shade doing nothing?” The boss said, “It’s intelligence. It’s called intelligence.” “What do you mean, intelligence?” So, the boss said, “OK, I’ll show you. I put my hand on this tree, and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” So, the ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’s hand, but the boss removed his hand, and the digger hit the tree. So, the digger said, “Ouch!” And the boss said, “That’s intelligence.”
So, the first ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, “So what did he say?” So, the first guy said, “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” So the second guy asked, “What is intelligence?” The ditch digger, the first one, put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.” Oh God. Oh, my God. I can’t believe that people have such a joke. OK. Never mind.
A husband and wife and two of their children went on a trip to Disney World in Florida. They were so amazed and enjoyed so much the wonders of this attraction site. And after three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.” The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.” The husband waved very sadly and said, “Goodbye, Money.” Man. What does he expect? Go out with the kids… Just joking, huh? I think. Not seriously.
OK. Next one. Wow. Never mind. I think it’s difficult to understand this. But OK, I tell you, nevertheless. In a prison, the inmates, they’re bored. They have nothing to do, so they have a joke book that they all memorize, all the jokes inside. But the way they recite them and laugh together is by the number of the joke, like joke number one, joke number two. They don’t tell the whole thing because they all know already the contents. So they just say, “Number two,” and everybody laughs, for example like that. So, any time they do that, when they’re bored, they just call out any number, and everybody laughs because they all know what that means. Number two, what kind of joke…
So, there was a new inmate who came in afterward, and he studied the book, and he also memorized it all, and he said he wanted also to tell a joke. So, they said, “OK, you tell.” And he said, “Number 21,” but nobody laughed. He said, “Why? It’s funny. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you laughing?” A fellow inmate said, “Some can tell the jokes, some can’t.” Just a number. Yeah, it’s not too bad, huh? (It's very good.) You laugh. It’s cool, it’s cool. I thought it would be too boring or too complicated, but you’re smart, that’s good. So if I want to test your IQ, I just tell some jokes.
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.” The player: “OK.” And the coach looked into his eyes intensively and asked, “OK, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?” The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “Four!” The coach exclaimed excitedly that he got it right, “Did you say four? Wow.” At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on, coach, give him another chance.” Oh, man. Wow, somebody did think of some jokes.
Photo Caption: “Nature Never Ceases to Make Offering”
